Feigning a look of surprise while I whine about my deficiencies.
It's not so much in the inevitable bullshit as it is in the realization that, after all this time, it's still possible (on occasion) for me to be foolish enough not to trust the ole instincts in the time leading up to and into said bullshit. Paying no heed to the whispers, the glances, the parallels with past experience, the well honed paranoia.
It's the realization, willingly allowing oneself to be so totally and completely taken in. Not for the first time, or the second, or third... and by what?
A smile? A compliment? A laugh? A touch on the hand? A coquettish look? A toss of the hair? A joke? A sad story? A little affection or human emotion? The illusion of compassion?
Things that I should have outgrown the desire for by now.
Things that I thought I'd learned to see through by the time I was seven or eight years old.
Things that I did learn to see through by the time I was seven or eight years old...
That's the real irritation. My willingness to believe what I know (not just fear but know) can not be true.
The fact that for all my ranting and railing against the foibles and weaknesses of human nature, I still display those same traits.
Over the last couple of years especially I seem to be displaying a startling lack of emotional restraint, as well as an undue level of personal attachment, a pathetic shortage of common sense and an appalling lack of stoicism .
I think I'm slipping, allowing myself too many freedoms, too many uncontrolled thoughts, too many desires... and I don't know why.
I suppose it could be a function of getting older, it could also be that I've pretty much quit drinking again (leaving me no place to hide) and I have been somewhat ill these last few years. Still, that's hardly an excuse for allowing myself to forget all those hard earned lessons in humanity.
I'm disturbed more by my lack of objectivity, my unwillingness to see things as they are, than I am by the immutable fuckery that is human nature.
Anyway, enough whiny bullshit.
People are people, in all our disgusting, pathetic, and inherently worthless glory.
Serves me right for thinking otherwise.
Should've known better.
Fuck it, back to work.
It's the realization, willingly allowing oneself to be so totally and completely taken in. Not for the first time, or the second, or third... and by what?
A smile? A compliment? A laugh? A touch on the hand? A coquettish look? A toss of the hair? A joke? A sad story? A little affection or human emotion? The illusion of compassion?
Things that I should have outgrown the desire for by now.
Things that I thought I'd learned to see through by the time I was seven or eight years old.
Things that I did learn to see through by the time I was seven or eight years old...
That's the real irritation. My willingness to believe what I know (not just fear but know) can not be true.
The fact that for all my ranting and railing against the foibles and weaknesses of human nature, I still display those same traits.
Over the last couple of years especially I seem to be displaying a startling lack of emotional restraint, as well as an undue level of personal attachment, a pathetic shortage of common sense and an appalling lack of stoicism .
I think I'm slipping, allowing myself too many freedoms, too many uncontrolled thoughts, too many desires... and I don't know why.
I suppose it could be a function of getting older, it could also be that I've pretty much quit drinking again (leaving me no place to hide) and I have been somewhat ill these last few years. Still, that's hardly an excuse for allowing myself to forget all those hard earned lessons in humanity.
I'm disturbed more by my lack of objectivity, my unwillingness to see things as they are, than I am by the immutable fuckery that is human nature.
Anyway, enough whiny bullshit.
People are people, in all our disgusting, pathetic, and inherently worthless glory.
Serves me right for thinking otherwise.
Should've known better.
Fuck it, back to work.
posted by Murph | 12:44 AM
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