Freedom

An epiphany tonight while riding down the freeway.   As my front tire burst the exposed and putrefying stomach of the road-killed doe I was struck by the realization that I will likely spend the rest of my life in solitude.      That I am utterly and totally expendable, and that my existence is completely devoid of purpose are both concepts which I've had time to come to grips with over the years, but the fact that I will in all likelihood die alone and un-missed was one that I had avoided facing before now.   I know I should be depressed by this but for some reason it fills me with an inexplicable calm akin to what I use to feel all those years ago when I would find myself on the wrong end of an ass whupping.  A sort of 'outside myself looking in' or 'above myself looking down' calm that's really difficult to explain to anyone who hasn't felt it before, and probably equally hard to describe to anyone who has experienced it.  It's not an out of body experience, and not the sort of physical detachment that use to keep my lunch down when I had to clean up bio-waste for a living, or accident scenes, or patch my friends or myself together after a rough night on the town.    This is something different.   It's been nine and a half years since I quit smoking tobacco. It's been fifteen years since I smoked anything else. It's been almost five years since I last had sex. And I finally think I understand why people like to smoke when it's done. The relaxation is distracting, it's almost enough to pull one out of oneself. Realizing in stillness that we are accountable only to ourselves. I really feel the need to make my lungs burn.   One step closer to enlightenment. One step closer to being complete. One more hurdle cleared.   What's next?