Still Tired. Still Angry. Don't read this.

I know you won't read this K.N. , at least I hope that's the case.

If you are reading then I hope you stop now.

I need to vent this shit to someone, and I can't take it out on my co-workers (they're not paid for it).

I can't take it out on my friends and relatives, they've got worse to deal with.

I no longer drink and I can't afford a shrink.

So the fine folks who randomly surf this blog will have to do.

Again, I hope you're not one of them.

These are (some of) my frustrations, and I choose to believe that you deserve better from me than to have them inflicted on you.  But there are some things that I just wish I could say, wish I had said, and they aren't pleasant.  The sorts of things that would normally be said in heat of the fighting and arguing that most couples engage in (and that we never really had) and then later recalled with regret.  But as it seems we have nothing to salvage, and as we've both been denied the catharsis of an actual fight or argument to end things with, I've been sitting on a lot of this for too long.  So while you've been paying a therapist to listen to your pain and anger, I've had to content myself by letting it out in dribs and drabs on this blog but not really letting fly because I couldn't remember if I showed you this, or just meant to.  I'm going to start letting fly as I feel the need, and I will try to preface my rants as such in the highly unlikely event that you are stopping by here from time to time.

※ {full stop}  ※






It's coming up on four months and not so much as a phone call or an email response.

That's kind of a funny way of not wanting to say goodbye.

I know that you were unhappy with me for not being emotionally available (whatever that means) but I always answer when my friends, my family and the people I love ask me to.  I may not answer right away, but if I get a message I answer (and I don't make them wait a third of a year to do so, especially if it's an answer that will only cost me three or four keystrokes on a computer).

Now I know I'm no saint.  I know I probably did lots of things that pissed you off or upset you, but they were never intentional.   I know I laugh at the wrong times, often at the wrong things.  I know I don't cry at movies.  I know I'm not the most sensitive guy in the world.  I know I tend to find weaknesses in every plan before I act on it. I know I've committed these sins and probably thousands of others that you let go unchecked (though I had often wished you would just speak your mind).

But be damned if I didn't spend every extra ounce of energy I had, every extra dollar I had (and a few that I didn't), every bit of free time I had trying to make it work.

Even when it was over, I was still trying to make it work.  To find a balance between making a clean break and cutting myself completely out of your life (as your actions and the actions of some others told me I should) and staying in your life (like you said you wanted me to).

I gave you the space you requested, and I waited to see if it was just something you needed to get out of your system.
A long needed decompression.
A fling that you just had to have before finally walking the walk after all that talk of marriage and family.
I waited a good two months before I even thought about actually dating or accepting invitations out from some of my female acquaintances.

I've still not "moved on" as you put it.
I kept my pants on, and with one exception (someone who was there to talk to me six weeks after you decided I wasn't even worth the trouble of an email, a one word response to the last question I asked, something to let me know you were ok, to tell me whether or no you still wanted me to wait for you) I've not even asked or offered.

I've been here all along.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Ready and willing.
One phone call away.
Ready to listen.
To love.
 
To try to make you laugh and dry your tears, just like I have since you were first available for me to do that.

Hoping that there was some part of the last several years that you thought was worth salvaging.

Yeah, I'm a heartless bastard, you knew that already.

And I'm sure your friends and your family have told you repeatedly that you're better off without me.

I'm sure they've also told you that you need to find yourself a real man.

One who will knock you up with no thought to the future or how his children will be raised.

Who will follow you around the country taking progressively lower paying jobs, yet still find a way to buy you useless shit and pay off your ever increasing pile of debt.

So if you're lonely tonight,
if you're having a bad month and need someone to talk to,
if you're trolling for dick on the CL because things didn't work out with the guy you left me for...

Well I'm so very sorry.

But at least you've found a better man.

And as an added bonus, I'm sure you all got a good healthy laugh at my expense.

Bravo...