If there's ANYTHING I can do...

I have always had trouble wishing other people well when their friends and family members pass away.  I know that there is nothing I can say that is going to make them feel better, and so I usually drop a lame 'I'm sorry for your loss, you have my condolences' sort of thing.  So I really don't mind when people do that to me.  I know they're at a loss for how to respond, and that it's hard to say anything when you know it will just come off as trite and contrived.  I can sympathize.

It's the ones who tell me that, if there's anything I need, anything at all, don't hesitate to contact them...

That's kind of a trusting statement isn't it?

My ma wants me to start asking the ones who say that if they're any good with a hammer, 'cause she wants a shed put up in her yard. 
I'm thinking I should start asking the prettier ones if they would mind me busting out the nipple clamps and the rubber chicken...

Hey, you said anything right?


I know.

I know that they mean well, and I'm not trying to be mean.  But for some reason that one bothers me.

If there's anything at all!

Yes, as a matter of fact, I could really use fifteen grand to cover the funeral and a blowjob.
Anyone feel like cleaning my apartment?  Hasn't been done in half a year (since all this shit got started).  Anyone out there want to get me stoned, buy me a couple of tattoos and spend a couple weeks in nekkid debauchery reminding me of all the things that make life worth living?

No?

Guess we have different views on the word 'anything'.

But I know they mean well.

I really do.

They have no more idea of what to say in these situations than I do.

And that's the beauty and the horror of it.

Abject proof of what I've always believed, that nobody really knows what they're doing, and we're all just making it up as we go along and bullshitting.  Some of us bullshit the world, some of us bullshit ourselves, most of us do a little bit of both.  But when the chips are down and the buffalo is empty, we're all really just improvising. 

And for that I'm thankful.

(though I may just start calling in those 'anythings')