Angle grinder

Someone asked me recently why I've been getting so many tattoo's these last few months (I use to average about one every six or seven years, and I've had four in the last four months). 

Partly I think it's because, for whatever reason, I have an easier time assimilating a little physical pain than I do dealing with emotional pain.  Something about the relentless dull ache of a tattoo needle seems to pretty much resonate with the things I've been feeling since she left.  The sort of constant dull ache.  Not the sharp pain of past encounters, quick and over (which I usually salved with either the odd drunken tussle, or a bout of rebound sex with someone in a similar situation...  Truth to tell, half my 'relationships' have been rebound sex with other heartsick wanderers)

But I don't drink anymore.

I'm too old for a quick brawl ( there are too many laws now...  Not to mention, folks have gotten fuckin' crazy lately, as likely to kill you as dance with you.  I figure this 'zero tolerance' generation just takes things too seriously... Seems it's always 'all or nothing' with them...  If it sounds like a cop-out, that's because it is. I make no apologies for my lack of free floating aggression, and dammit I'm tired)

And I'm not attractive enough (and apparently no longer free spirited enough) to do the rebound sex thing anymore...  Don't get me wrong, I gave it a shot.  During my usual 5-7 week horny window (which usually hits about two months after someone stops talking to me) I propositioned just about anyone who sat still long enough.  But my heart just wasn't in it (seriously, it basically came out as 'eh, I'm looking for some guilt free rebound sex, you up for that?'...  Yeah, I know, not very suave... But no one can say I was dishonest about what I wanted).

So I figure self mutilation (in the form of body art) is the best I can come up with.  And the occasional flagellant pilgrimage to the gym (which I should probably take more often).

So, when I say that my day went well because it feels like someone took an angle grinder to my chest this afternoon, try not to think ill of me.

I'm finding a less destructive outlet than I'm accustomed to.

And I'm going to sleep tonight.

For the first time in weeks, I'm going to sleep

And I'm going to sleep well.