Public Service Announcement for the male community ~Common phrases and breakup cliches~ [vol 1]

(I was going to apologize for this, but discovered that I no longer know why I should be expected to)

 

When she says: 

1.  "It's not you, it's me"
Translation:  It's you, oh it's definitely you, you're the only one it is, it's you.

2. "You're a wonderful person"
Translation:
What the hell is wrong with you?  Seriously, what makes you think you should be allowed out in public?  Just waddle your ass back to the short bus and go the fuck home already.

3. "I just need some space, and some time to work this out"
Translation:
I've found/am looking for someone with a prettier face, a better body, a bigger dick and fatter bank account.

4. "We're just very different people"
Translation: 
My friends/family don't think you're good enough for me.

5. "I just want more in my life"
Translation:
 Like a guy with a prettier face, a better body, a bigger dick and a fatter bank account.

6-1. "I want to be friends" (first date)
Translation: 
I can't believe _____________  thought we would be good together.

6-2. "I want to be friends" (second - fourth date)
Translation:
What the fuck was I drinking last night/week/month?

6-3. "I want to be friends/I value our friendship" (pre-relationship female acquaintance)
Translation:
a.) I'm getting all the good stuff I want in a relationship from you now, why should I put out?
b.)  I enjoy it when you talk to me/buy me dinner/take me out/tell me I'm wonderful, but what I really want is a guy with a prettier face, a better body, a bigger dick an a fatter bank account...  But it's ok if he treats me like shit because I know you'll let me cry on you.

6-4. "I want to be friends" (post relationship)
Translation: 
a.) I want to maintain the moral high ground by making a facetious offer of friendship, but don't take this to mean that I actually ever want you to speak to me again.
b.) I still want all the support, love, companionship etc. that you bring to the relationship, but I don't want to have to reciprocate, and I'm looking for a guy with a prettier face, a better body, a bigger dick and a fatter bank account.
c.) I've actually already found somebody with a prettier face, a better body, a bigger dick, and a fatter bank account, but if he doesn't work out I want to maintain you as a possible fallback position.
d.) I may need to hit you up for cash or a favor at some point in the future, so I don't want to burn this bridge completely... (see section 6-4 subsection a.)

6-5. "I hope that you can forgive me, and that someday we can be friends"
Translation:
I've actually been seeing someone else for the last six months, and I may have given you an STD or two, but if I did, I don't want to hear about it... And honestly, can you blame me?  I mean look at him, he's got a prettier face, a better body, a fatter bank account, and damn, that things gotta be eight or nine inches at least!

7. "I've had such a wonderful time with you"
Translation:
I've cried/contemplated suicide after every conversation with you.

8. "You're a true gem"
Translation:
You're such a tool.

9. "I hope you don't take this too hard, and can move on with your life."
Translation:
I've moved on to a guy with a prettier face, a better body, a bigger dick and a fatter bank account, but it'll be icing on the cake if I know that you spend the rest of your life pining away for me... Just do it quietly (see section 6-4 subsection a.)                   

10. "This may be ending, but I still care for you"
Translation:
Wow, that was the longest tequila bender of my life, who the fuck are you again?

Stay tuned for our next exciting installment!

~Non-vocal ques that she's only pretending to enjoy your company because she thinks it'll be less awkward than telling you how she really feels~

Translation: 

Enough self pity for now, I've got work in a couple hours, but I'm sure I'll be back on here whining in the future.