Not as good at this as I thought

It's amazing sometimes how well we can bullshit ourselves.

Sometimes you have those amazing flashes of insight.

 I had one tonight, concerning my ex.  (Yeah, I now you all have to be bored to tears listening to me whinge on about it...   Tough, it's my blog I'll whinge if I want)

See I though I was getting over her.

I mean I've been angry about her leaving, felt abandoned, felt mis-used (even when I'll concede that I had no right to feel that way).  I've been depressed, I've tried to make contact with her in non-creepy ways, hoping against hope that she might be interested in trying again.  (I don't really believe in taking a person back, because that kind of implies that nothing is going to change, but I do believe in two people trying again, if both of them think it might turn out better).  And I figured I was getting over her.

I went on a couple of dates (after the horny 'I'll try to screw anything' stage which thankfully did not result in me actually having relations with anyone...  I'm not against that sort of thing generally speaking but in retrospect I can see how truly self destructive it was/would have been.  Sort of my way of trying to punish her by pretending to have a better time in her absence than I was actually having...  Like I said, it's amazing sometimes how well we can bullshit ourselves).

Anyway, tonight I realized just what a piss poor job I've done actually getting over her. 

I was out with a lady, and we started hitting it off.  But things just didn't feel quite right.

I knew I was horny (I've not gotten laid in almost a year), but still, every time we'd start making out I found myself thinking about the woman I wanted to marry.  And by the time things progressed to the point where we would need a room I was starting to really wonder just how over her I was.


Anyway, the long and the short of it was that I wasn't able to properly close the deal.  Every time I found myself thinking of my former lover (who I've spoken of here, often in an unjustly harsh manner).  

I wish I could have been more honest with myself up to this point. 

And for the millionth time I wish things had worked out differently.

But I'm sure she's over me by now, and probably has been for some time.

And thus far (though some may argue otherwise) I've been very lucky in my relationships, in that when they ended, they ended for both parties at the same time.

Guess I've still got some work to do.

Wish I could remember to forget her.

And the worst part is that I'm going to have to find a tactful way to explain to a young lady that I cannot pursue her further at this time because I'm still pining for someone else...

That's going to suck all around.

But better she finds out now than later, when we've had a chance to really hurt each other.

You'd think after all these years I'd be better at this.


Oh well.

I know guys aren't supposed to be this way, but I guess I'm just not very good at it, even if I have bullshitted myself into thinking otherwise.





I have to assume you'll never read this K.  But I still miss you. 

There's not a day that goes bye that I don't remember, regret, and wonder what you're doing now. 

And I hope you've found that happiness that I wasn't able to give you.