Time to close the door and walk away.

Well, it's been two months since we've seen each other, six weeks since she left me.

I think it's time for me to stop applying for jobs in the town she moved to a year and a half ago. 

Over the last fourteen months I've collected close to fifty rejection (47 to be exact) letters/emails. For every email/letter I got I applied to at least one company that never even bothered to respond.  I've got maybe twelve or thirteen emails saying that my application has been advanced to the next screening level (but that there will be no further correspondence unless I am selected for an interview).


I had kinda hoped that something would come through this spring, since that's when companies usually hire people with my education and credentials, but once again nothing was forthcoming.


It's a killer, I'd really hoped to make this one work (as evidenced by the last six weeks of whining on this blog).  But she's already moved on (from what I've heard she moved on a while ago. I was just too dense to catch it, as usual.)

And so now I have to move on, if I can find someone to move on with.

She was so insecure, and had been injured badly enough in the past that I didn't want to risk making it worse, so unfortunately I've pretty much lost touch with almost all of my female friends (a decision I made on my own, hoping to be a better person for her) and I haven't had much desire to meet any new ones till very recently.

I'd wish her well, but the fact is she either

a) left me for someone  (which seems to be the popular insinuation)
or
b) left me for no one (not sure at this point which is worse)
or
c) left me because she was afraid I'd find out about something that I probably already knew about.
or
d) left me because being with me made her life profoundly unhappy.

So I think the best I can do is try (as much as possible) to gracefully bow out of her world, and let her get on with her new guy, her new friends, and her new life.

Hell of a way to end a six year friendship.

Hell of a way to end a two and a half year relationship.

But I still want to give her the best I can give, and in this case I think that is probably my absence.

So now I've got the family thing straightened out, got the money thing straightened out, got the end o' relationship blues straightened out...   Just need to get the work bullshit taken care of, find a better job someplace where I'm actually wanted, find a woman who actually wants me, and move on from there... 

Hell, the way these last few years have been going that's damn near a vacation.


I wonder what BDSM girl is up to, haven't seen her in about seven years (and I still have my sjambok)

Eh, I'm not in the right headspace anyway.




But the really sad thing is, if the recent ex called me up tomorrow and said she wanted to start again, I'd be there with bells on.  For all the heartache at the end, they were probably the best years of my life.