More Tired than Angry

You know it's in the title for a reason,
but that reason probably isn't what you think.

I'm often more tired than angry.

Seems hard to get angry anymore,
or to feel much of anything most days.

Maybe mild irritation at best.


And the thing that sometimes scares the hell out of me is that (these last couple of years especially) I've had more and more instances when I was cognizant of not feeling anything (even when I know I should).

I'm not talking about the big things obviously, you know, people dying or exiting my life in other ways. 
I still feel. 
It's just that it seems muted somehow, and the day to day joys and sorrows, the little things, well they just don't seem to be there anymore.

I wonder if it's a function of age.
I wonder if it's hormonal.

But I am still tired.
I honestly can't remember a time when I didn't feel tired.
And I do still get angry on occasion.
And I do feel sadness when it's appropriate (though not as strongly as I use to)
And my testicles itch.
So at least I know that I do still feel things.

Just wish I could pick something else once in a while.
I know, I know, first world problems.

Lots of folks have it worse and I shouldn't bitch.

But sometimes I still do.

Oh well, shift 1 down, shift two coming up...
Time to stop being a pussy.

Hammer

I hear that there are a lot of manufacturing jobs
that companies are having trouble finding skilled workers
that jobs are going empty.

What did they expect?

In my youth they use to say that a person could work hard,
learn a trade,
support a family,
buy a home,
live the dream,
all with a high school diploma.

I knew families who worked the same line at the mill for multiple generations.
Or who were all employed at one of the production plants in our area.

But then when I was a teenager those jobs went away.

Off to foreign lands,
where the labor was cheaper,
the safety and environmental regulations more lax,
the government more easily manipulated.

The jobs went away and the tune changed,
it became
"go to college, earn a degree and you will be able to provide"
or
"Join the Military, it will make you more marketable and we'll pay for college"

So we did.

Almost all of us. 
(The ones who didn't end up in prison)
We found a way to go to school.

And then it became 'there are too many people with degrees'
and then the endless parade of fad degrees.

The manufactured job shortages,
in education,
administration of justice,
civil service,
nursing.

And we all fell for it.

Re-tooled at our own expense

Chasing that damn elusive dream
we all went into debt for jobs that weren't there,
that quite possibly had never been there.


And now
now that the price of fuel has gone up
now that nobody can afford the products anymore
now that our environmental regulations are disappearing
job safety and employee protections dwindling
government duly bought and paid for.

Now they say the jobs are coming back
'if only someone were there to work them'

And what do they want to contribute for this?

For the lower wages?
the more dangerous conditions?
the disposable workforce?

How many apprenticeship programs have opened up?
How much OJT are they willing to spring for?
How many entry level/training positions are they advertising?

Well, I guess we will just have to fork out the dough ourselves to close that knowledge gap.

That way,
in a year,
or ten
or thirty.

When foreign markets once again look tempting
well...
I guess the ones left holding the bag will be the ones who've been holding it all along.

Mosquito

You don't hear it
maybe a rustling leaf
a sub-audible whistle on the wind
and then {thwak}
like someone slappin a fly.

You don't hear the other noise till later,
the sound travels slower,
and if you're actually paying attention,
well,
your mind is likely on other things.

Vagabond

Glass crunch underfoot
familiar
foreign
faded warm sodium arc
ozone, burning wire, lead paint, hot glass.

Distant cough
shuffle
snuffle
groping through half seen shadows
ammonia, tobacco, burning sulphur.

Moonlight and the smell of crumbling brick.

Vagabond.