Nervous Breakdown? Ass Cancer? Male Menopause?

Gestalt analysis

I don't know why, but over the last couple of years I seem to be getting more and more unhinged by things that use to not bother me, and by unexpected things.

I use to be much better at just walking away from things
from people
from myself.

I use to be much better at laughing off the heartache,
or at least drinking until I could convince myself it wasn't real.

But lately, this last year or so especially I seem to bounce back and forth between crippling loneliness,  sadness over what has passed, and an almost overwhelming urge to believe that it was never real to begin with.  That it was all part of some elaborate con, and that I should have known better.

I didn't use to have such a tender ego.

I use to be able to face truth, even unpleasant truth head on.

Or at least I thought I could.

It shouldn't be so hard to say 'it was a wonderful time, but now it's over because I'm not the person she was looking for'
but on my bad days I still can't help but wonder.

Anyway, that's what this seems to have become for me now.

A place to bitch

to vent my  mood swings so that I don't inflict them on the people around me

I sure hope it's something to do with diet or hormones or something, and not a serious indicator of physical or mental illness.








When we deny the EVIL within ourselves, we dehumanize ourselves, and we deprive ourselves not only of our own destiny but of any possibility of dealing with the EVIL of others. 
― J. Robert Oppenheimer ―

Reviewing mental snapshots

Tired
Lonely
Can't fucking sleep.

Nothing new

Sometimes I hope that there is a life after this one, just so I can meet someone who has a sense of humor more warped than mine

See I was ready to take things as far as they would go

But only when they were already almost over

As usual, got things in the wrong order


'Course it's not like it makes much of a difference

One of the upsides to being of the disposable cast is that it really makes no difference what I do, think or feel

Only that I produce when I'm able, and shuffle off quickly when I'm no longer useful


So in a way I suppose I have no right to expect more from my personal relationships than I expect from any other facet of existence


Just another poorly made disposable product for the temporary amusement of whoever is bored enough to give it a shot

I could do without the artificial expectations though

Walking into a situation expecting to be discarded
so much time being told I'm wrong
pretending that might actually be the case
only to find out at the end that I'm not

Might be considered an unpleasant personality trait were it done to an actual person
spending so long reprogramming a mindset only to reinforce it at the end

But being somewhat sub-human
a spare part
disposable commodity
cog in the great machine

I shouldn't be surprised

In the old tongue my first name actually means 'replacement'
so I suppose I have no right to bitch

and spare parts don't have opinions anyway

Anyway, best try to get on with it

there's work to be done

Incoherent rambling at 5am

I want to say something, but I don't know how.

I'm not, in fact, even sure what it is that I want to say.

I just want to say something.


It seems I spend a lot of time talking about how the world has gone astray.

How I've gone astray.

The things that are wrong or going wrong.

But the more I think of it the more I'm convinced that all those things are just symptoms.

Indications that something else is happening, just beyond the field of vision.


But I don't know how to articulate this thought, so instead I just post depressing whiney shit on the internet.

I use to drink too much and post depressing whiney shit on the internet, but then I had to quit drinking for health reasons.

Since then I notice that the quality of my depressing whiney shit seems to have diminished.

I'm just not putting in the effort I use to I guess.




I'm tired and I need a drink.

But watch this, it is possibly the best way to end a show I've ever seen, and I saw Pink Floyd in concert back in 94.

Predilection

wash rinse repeat
wash rinse repeat
wash rinse repeat

work eat sleep
work eat sleep

live grow procreate die

thrive
cry
laugh
lie

existence comes down to a handful of chemical compounds
bioelectrical circuitry
behavioral reinforcement
autonomic reflex

remove stimulus A
document

replace with compound B
document

adjust hormone levels
document

interrupt the signal
alter the pattern
document

become a god
quivering puddle
institute pariah

no novelty
only the mundane
albeit in unfamiliar garb

Perception

Well I've seen the writing, listened to the thinly veiled hints, convinced myself of one thing, convinced myself of another.

But between the ever cooling reception I get and the pictures which seemingly supporting the fact that she's moved on, I guess it's time for me to start seriously thinking of doing the same. 

My capacity for self deception never ceases to amaze me at times. 

I knew better than to get back in touch, knew it would tear me apart when the inevitable came to pass, but I did it anyway because a part of me wanted to believe that I'd been wrong, that I'd mis-read the situation, that there was still hope.

But apparently I was the only one thinking that way, and I really have no right to be surprised by that. 

Unpleasant as it is to know that our one sterling bright moment is gone, at least now I can try to move on without further deluding myself into thinking that I was ever more than a fleeting fancy, a way to pass the time while she was on her way elsewhere. 

Time to man up and power through, got another long week ahead and I'm the only person who can see myself through to the end of it.

In truth it's probably better that way.

When I'm alone I don't have to worry about anyone else's well being.

When I'm alone I'm the only one who can be hurt.

That can be liberating in it's own way, all it takes is an adjustment of perception.

The sun sets ten feet from my porch.

A few people have asked over the years why I persist in staying where I am.

Well, aside from family obligations, the fact is I kinda like not being where the people are.

(you all have likely not noticed, but I'm not really a people person).

I enjoy the quiet, and the company of a few close friends, and find the frenetic hustle of the city irritating.


And of course there's also this to take into account.

10

I just realized I've been updating this damn thing for over a decade...

That's an awful lot of bullshit to cram into one place.


Oh well, like the man said, "To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time"









I kind of miss getting good and drunk before coming on here and writing.  The words laid themselves down more freely I think.

Best and Worst

It really is a nation of dualities.

Fair and foul walking hand in hand.

Obscene wealth and abject poverty within inches of each other.

Joy and sorrow in the same sentence.

Hope and fear,

sublimity and trepidation,

vibrant youth and decrepit age,

unsullied decency and unvarnished decadence.


Is it really any surprise that we cannot manage to see the world in all it's myriad shades?


We are sorely ill equipped.

Raised as we are on a constant diet of rigidly enforced duality.








Someone told me tonight that they should have known better than to watch fireworks with a depressive.

But being related to me I think she understood better than anyone that (when questioned about the bright lights) I'll just tell you what metals are being burned to generate those vibrant colors; and when asked about the environmental hazards I'll tell you that it's far too late to turn this mess around, so we might as well just sit back and enjoy the show.

What I won't say, at least not in front of the kiddies, is that I do so love to watch the night sky burn.

It reminds me of home, or at least of where I was born.

Fun Times

I've officially turned into an old fart.

I realized it this week.

I'm taking a half day Thursday so I can get a jump start on the weekend, and my big exciting plans include

1. Attending a board meeting.
2. Doing some spec work for my employer on my own time.
3. Re-building the engine in my sister's truck (assuming I can figure out what kind of non-stock engine the previous owners had installed in the thing, and teach myself to pull and replace a head gasket between now and then). 
4. Searching my friends wedding registry at target to see what I can afford to get him and his future wife  (I'm hoping there's something suitably goofy and useful, like 5000 rolls of toilet paper, otherwise I'll be lost)

Damn, when did I get so exciting?