Bullshit Geshtalt Analysis 101.

Ah, I miss the damaged psycho-women I've known over the years.

Beautifully broken.

I think that's the popular term for it now, the ones that I seem drawn to.

I don't know why.

I use to worry that maybe I had some sort of sick hero complex going or something equally pathetic, but the more years I spend dwelling on it the more I realize that they are the only ones I can truly relax around (which is strange considering the mutual mis-trust and paranoia).

I just feel comfortable around them for some reason, and that comfort means that I can be almost completely honest. No bullshit, no head games, no embarrassment, no desire to impress or protect or shelter; just honest conversation with as much wit, sarcasm, sorrow, humor, compassion, love, or anger as the situation dictates.

I think it's because, no matter how fucked up I may be, I'm not quite as fucked up as the ones who went before.

Of course we always end up damaging each other eventually.

I guess that's just the way it has to be...

Anyway, I've had worse...
and so have they.

Sunrise in Broken Glass.

Letters of marque swell in glorious technicolor.

One knows the scent.

Livid red,
fading purple,
to green,
to yellow,
to dusky brown.

Less than artful 'neath grease paint and heavy makeup,

One sees what remains unseen.
One knows what none believe.
One comprehends without understanding.

One makes Oneself known.
One asks for an invitation to intrude.
One can only help those desiring of help.

One offers support.
One accepts rebuke.
One minds Ones business.

One will grieve.
One will mourn.
In time One will move on.

Chlorinate the gene pool.

Today's Rant:



Ok, so most everyone (by the time they're eight or so) pretty much knows that the world is a con.

It doesn't usually take too long for us to figure out that at any given time we are either the mark or the player (or sometimes both). It also doesn't take us too long to figure out that most folks (when given multiple opportunities to demonstrate their motives) tend to consistently fall into one category or the other.

So (forgetting for the moment the whole religious/karmic balance/hocus pocus/make the world a better place bullshit ethos of the day) why do we continue to be surprised when the con lands on us?

Oh, dear God, that politician was crooked... How can this be?

What, you mean my lover has been cheating on me... Why didn't I see it?

I thought you said you were -insert favorite lie here-... How could you deceive me?

What do you mean you've only been using me for sex/money/security/transportation/a scapegoat/whatever?

How could anyone abuse a position of authority like that?

Didn't your resume say you were qualified?

How could anyone stand up and lie like that under oath?

What do you mean you've been faking it?

Would I ever do something like that?

This shouldn't surprise anyone, yet it does. Even the most cautious of us get taken in, sometimes with frightening regularity.

Why is that do you think?

I know a lot of folks will say that it is because people are stupid, and some people certainly are. Other folks will say that it is just that some people are too trusting, and that is certainly also true (though I notice folks are starting to get a bit better about that). Still others will point to some grandiose theory of social hierarchy and say that some are naturally dominant and other naturally submissive.

These things are all true, to an extent. Some people are stupid, some are too trusting, some are naturally submissive... Some folks just want to fit in. Some are blinded by their own greed/lust/hunger/whatever. Some just don't want to admit that it could ever happen to them.

I'm sure that any of us, if we take a moment to analyze the last time we were played (and let's please not be bullshitting ourselves on this point, we've all been played at one point or another), will find that we felt hope.

There are as many individual reasons to be suckered as there are individual suckers, but let's face it, sometimes the con (at least in the beginning) can feel wonderful...

It doesn't last, obviously, such things aren't meant to.

It's the hope, ultimately, that is our undoing.

We hope that we've finally found that one thing. That one job/superior/subordinate/lover/confidant/big break/winning ticket/magic bullet/whatever that will allow us to finally realize our own personal pre-conceived bullshit idea of what the world should be.

We hope that this time it will work (in spite of the fact that it hasn't thus far).

We hope that this new politician will be honest.

We hope that this lover will be faithful.

We hope that we aren't being deceived.

We hope that we aren't being used.

We hope that the world still holds some last vestige of honor or loyalty or love, and that it is just dumb luck that we haven't found it yet.



Fact is, if we want to stop falling for the con, we have to abandon hope.

This is not nearly as easy as one would think... and not nearly as depressing.

See lots of folks think that they can't live without hope. They see some suicidal asshole, or someone destroying themselves with excess and they say "look at that poor person, they just need something to give them hope"...

They couldn't be more wrong.

These folks have too much hope as it is, that's what is driving them to self destruction. They are making the painful transition between having hope and realizing that their hopes are unfounded, unreliable, unrealistic, and ultimately unattainable. Very few progress beyond this stage.

Most regress and end up living "normal" lives, spending the rest of their existence playing and being played by others. They are so frightened that they are willing to put up with anything, endure any mistreatment, fall for any con, believe any lie, if it means that they don't have to face the prospect of a world without hope.

Some of the unlucky ones are killed by their behavior, and we all try to feel sorry for them without letting the world (or sometimes ourselves) know just how angry we truly are for witnessing the self destruction of the people we think we like or care about.

Few if any reach a point where they are completely and truly without hope.

In a way it's kind of a shame. The Buddhists talk of shedding desire in order to attain enlightenment, and it seems that hope is one of the more potent manifestations of desire. So it follows that someone who is truly without hope is truly enlightened.


We shouldn't be trying to create hope for the future, hoping in vain that we will not be mis-used by our fellow humans.

We should be abandoning hope, and trying to learn to live without it.

Course if I could figure out how to do that I wouldn't be sitting here venting my frustrations on the internet at four in the morning.




.

130 yards from the freeway.

Sharper ears could hear the vibration being telegraphed up the endless miles of interconnected re-bar embedded in the millions of tones of rough finished cement humming and groaning with millions of other similar vibrations from millions of other rubber wheels on millions of other vehicles departing from millions of other locations fleeing millions of other situations making millions of other farewells with a million other destinations.

One single harmonic in the constant buzz and hum of the world.

Unique.

Thunder Again in Early Morning.

Distant gentle rumble,
unrestrained 'cross churning water,
breaking waves on fern-dotted hillsides.

Cadence of chaos,
matching time's ungainly stride,
drunken tightrope walker dancing the abyss.

Crude poseur,
salutary sultry and solicitous,
unmasked in deafening silence.

Memorial cannonade,
echo's and memories,
staining solitary darkness.



.

I need to start drinking again

Sometimes I envy the sociopath.

It just seems like it must be a very relaxing and profitable existence.

No attachment.

No love.

No pain.

No regret.

No responsibility.

No duty.

No joy.

No sorrow.

No highs.

No lows.

No emotion.

No distractions.

No baggage or drama to muddle the thinking.

No "moral compass" to interfere with the plans.


Nothing but drive, energy, and a goal.

I often wonder if they aren't just a little more advanced than the rest of us.

After all, we are socialized to believe that attachment is weakness, and that weakness is meant to be exploited or manipulated as a means of control.

This lesson is hammered home daily in our dealings with our governments, our media, our employers, and our fellow humans.

So it stands to reason that, if one clears ones mind of attachments one is no longer weak, and can no longer be controlled, exploited or manipulated.

It further stands to reason that one who can not be controlled, exploited, or manipulated is truly free.




I wonder if it's as blissful as it sounds.

I wonder if the trade-off is worth it.

.

Some days I want to watch the world burn

They are expendable.
We are expendable.
So why does any of it matter?

Power does what it wants, that's true enough, but why is it allowed to?

Example:

I found a light,
a few months past.

A light that made me smile,
though it was far from my reach.
And that was ok, I had a smile, and a light.

I rarely see light anymore,
it still makes me laugh,
makes me smile when I think it's no longer an option.

And times got hard as they always do,
and power exercised itself as it is want to do,
and "traded" for what it wanted,
and took what it wanted.



And I'm told everything's ok...



But if everything's ok then why is my face flushed?
If everything's ok why does my stomach roil?
If everything's ok why do I yearn for that old familiar wonderful horrible metalic sickly sweet cacophony of smells?
If everything's ok why does my mind scream even while my mouth is silent?





If everything's ok...
then where did the light go?