.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

Rants and Poetry of a Tired and Angry Man.

Just what the title says, don't look for anything too profound or earthshaking.

My Photo
Name:
Location: United States

I am my title, the typically overeducated, disenfranchised, socially dysfunctional loudmouth. I am the disgruntled employee of the month.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Longer Can I Maintain


Just do it already.

The time is almost past.

There is no pain without attachment.

No half measures, no posturing.

There is no loss without expectation.

So commit to a course.

Quick and clean.

You can reconsider later, but only if the paths remain clear.






Monday, June 23, 2014

Headache, heartache, and hillbilly heroin


Ugh, can't seem to shake this bug.

Been fighting it for weeks.  Along with bouts of severe insomnia interspersed with days of total fatigue. 

Everyone seems to have this bug, but nobody seems to know how long it takes to run it's course.

 Nobody's completely over it yet.

I'm really tired of being sick.


And taking time off doesn't help.

Sitting home alone and feeling shitty.

Laying in bed alone and feeling lonely.

It's amazing the things you remember when you have nothing else to occupy your time.

All the good times laying awake laughing my ass off with her over whatever goofy thing we were talking about, till the wee hours of the morning.

The warmth.

The kindness.

The companionship.

But I can't control what someone else feels, no matter how much I may wish it otherwise.

I'm really sick of being lonely.


In other news, it seems that (thankfully) it's looking like the relative I was concerned about is turning a corner finally.  Putting in for work again (with a couple of decent prospects) and is in the process of cleaning up from almost all of the substances that they have been abusing for the last several months.

I'm hopeful.

When we spoke earlier I mentioned that it would get worse before it got better, but that I was proud and happy that things were going the way they were, and that I was still there to offer whatever support was needed.

At least she seems to understand that its a long road, not a short trip.

But for now (knuckles knocking) I think we're leaving the woods, if not yet completely clear of them.


It's Monday

I've had six hours of sleep in the last three days

I have to be at work in less than two hours...


Things are going well, or as well as they ever do, so why do I feel old?




<br />



Monday, June 16, 2014

My grandfather's watch

My grandfather didn't go to war in the 1940's.

He volunteered, but was told that he could do more for the war effort by staying home and doing the job he had been doing before the war.

Now I have no really meaningful memory of either of my grandfathers.  My mother's father, an old marine, died two years before I was born; and my father's father died when I was four years old.

But as a younger man, before my father was born, with two young daughters already, my grandfather worked in the Oakland ship yards.  He and my grandmother also ran a motel in the bay area, and on a few occasions during the war he had the good luck to meet Admiral Nimitz.

Before he died, my grandfather gave my father an old 1880's Elgin pocket watch (he explained that he wanted to make sure my father got it, because he knew that if my aunts got their hands on it, it would end up sold in some junk sale by someone who had no idea what it was).  That watch is still in good working order, but after he died my father found another Elgin pocket watch (somewhat newer, and not quite as well maintained) that had also belonged to my grandfather that didn't run.

This watch (which he still keeps) is fairly beat up. 
The glass is cracked.
It doesn't run, and my father has talked a few times about trying to have it repaired, though I don't know if he ever will.

See that second watch, though worth somewhat less in actual value has a very special story behind it.

It was near the middle of the war, and repair work was coming very regularly.

And my grandfather (by this time a foreman in the yard) was assigned with a welding and cutting crew to repair a fuel supply vessel.

This vessel had been certified clean, non-flammable and well vented so there was no real concern, but in war, and in a hurry, mistakes can and often are made.

According to my father, my grandfather said he was standing on the other side of the fuel hold, and out of the corner of his eye he could see the fireball expand from the striker when one of his welders attempted to light his torch, and after that he had no meaningful memory for several minutes.  So far as they could tell he managed to jump down below one of the keel supports before the explosion reached him, but the next thing he knew he was surrounded by an 'unbelievable amount of smoke'.

According to later accounts my grandfather pulled one, and then another, and a third, a fourth and finally a fifth injured man from the inside of the ship before someone asked him when he planned on taking his turn.  That was when he noticed that he had a long gash running down his leg, through the meat and into the bone.

All he could figure was that he must have landed on something when he dove for cover, and with the adrenaline and the stress of the moment, he didn't notice until someone else pointed it out to him.

Bare in mind that this was likely a matter of someone (probably overworked) failing to properly inspect the ship before signing off on the welding work.  And with this being somewhat earlier in the war and with the need for moral and such, the censors and the private contractors made sure that the story was kept fairly quiet (not nearly as many casualties as the Port Chicago incident a couple years later, and not a large enough explosion to alert the general population).   But that was the day that my grandfather's watch stopped working.

There is no moral to this story, no great ending or symbolic closure or life lesson.

It's just a story about my grandfather's watch, which my father was told once many years ago, and which he told me for the first and only time this evening. 

And I want to make sure that it doesn't get forgotten.

Because while I firmly believe that not every action needs to be memorialized, I think the good ones should at least be remembered for as long as we are able.






Thursday, June 12, 2014

Still kicking

Day three of the long watch, and so far no changes.

Still hoping for the best.

Still expecting the worst.

Still waiting for the phone call that I hope never comes.



But at least my day job provides me with plenty of needless drama and bullshit.  Makes for a pleasant distraction from the hard reality that takes up the down time.









Tuesday, June 10, 2014

More proof that I'm an unpleasant person

So if you've ever had one or more severely depressed relatives you will identify with what I'm going to say here...

If you think that folks who suffer from severe clinical depression should 'get over it' then kindly fuck off and save us all the trouble.


I've spent the last 72 hours waiting to hear that one of my first degree relatives has committed suicide.  It hasn't happened yet, but every day they seem to be just a step closer (I've known enough suicides over the years to have an idea of what the warning signs are and this particular relative has been showing them with increasing regularity for a while). 

It has been bad enough that this person's partner has threatened to have them forcibly committed.

But the most disturbing thing is that today this individual told me point blank that they don't even want to be happy any more, they just want to be numb so that they don't have to feel anything.

I spent several years drinking myself into that condition, numb so that I wouldn't feel anything.

I can understand what that can be like.

I can understand the allure of feeling nothing.

Hell, there was a time when I found myself contemplating suicide on an hourly basis, sometimes several times an hour.

Sometimes it's hard not to.


And that's why I think I can't seem to do anything to help this individual, though I really want to.  Because in spite of the fact that persons death will affect many people in a negative way, and in spite of the fact that this is someone I care very deeply about (though admittedly I've not always shown it, and for many years was far too wrapped up in my own bullshit to be the sort of person I should have been).  I can understand what it feels like to want that lasting peace.

I've been there, and I can't tell someone else not to be there...  (don't you think it should be the other way around?)

And I can't offer any great profound reason why this person shouldn't, because I still can't figure out why I didn't. 

I just didn't.

I truly hope that this person doesn't. 

But there are no guarantees, and in this life there is often more unpleasantness than there is joy.

So I wait, I hope, I try to offer support where I can.

All while quietly preparing myself for the worst.



Because I'm still not sure why I haven't done it myself.

As I mentioned, I've known several who did, and I still don't know what the significant difference was between us, or if there even was one.

If I did know I'd bottle it and give it away for free, but I have no fucking clue.

I hate waiting.

I hate worrying.

I hate being unable to change things.










God I'm tired.

Sunday, June 08, 2014

Another Sunday Monday

Nothing like blowing off your surviving family for a shit job that cares nothing for your well-being. Turning down a simple breakfast invitation from someone who's days are winding down because I've only had 90 minutes sleep in the last two days and I'm not safe to make the drive.  But god damn if I'm not safe enough to work another shift for another paycheck that won't cover another set of bills.

But I guess it's better than the alternative.

Still, there are times when I can't help but think that if we could find a way to gradually reduce the human population by 60% or so, we would not only have much more freedom as individuals (contrary to popular belief, large groups are easier to control than small scattered populations) but we would have enough land and resources at our disposal for the average person to see to all their daily wants and long term need for food, clothing, entertainment and security in less than twenty hours per week (instead of the usual 60-90 that most people seem to need these days). 


Oh well.

Head down,
nose forward,
off to greet the day and give the machine it's morning feeding.






Saturday, June 07, 2014

Huh, Interesting.

So it seems every time I post something here that is either whiny or somewhat vicious, the number of people who log in and take a look climbs  pretty significantly.

Conversely, when I post something happy or interesting, the number of folks who read it seems somewhat deflated.


Now granted, I'm not pulling the numbers on this thing that I was at one point (when I was posting stuff that was really whiny and vicious), but it still strikes me odd that this seems to be a consistent trend.

And it begs the question, do people in general just enjoy (for whatever reason) reading my whiny vicious bullshit?  Or is it just one or two individuals who are reading the same bullshit multiple times?

I'm actually kinda hoping it's the latter. 

Not sure how much faith I could put in a world where that many folks found my bullshit entertaining.



Anyway, whether you are one or two dedicated stalkers or a legion of well meaning perverts, I wish you well and thank you for taking the time to read my whiny vicious bullshit.

(Plenty more where that came from)










Friday, June 06, 2014

2B?

Why not.

Seems I'm the only one who hasn't, so why the fuck not.

I didn't really want to until I was told that I couldn't

And apparently the folks who matter already think I have.

So fuck it.

Because it won't make any difference anyway.

So fuck the rules that don't seem to apply to anyone else.

Fuck the 'holier than thou' attitude I'm sure to get for doing it.

And fuck the all those 'good friends' with their 'good advise' designed to put me in a good position for them to have a good laugh at my expense.

Fuck it.





And really, who gives a shit if I'm not actually ready to move on.  I've wasted too much time waiting to be ready.

And it's likely I'm the only one who has.

So fuck it.

Web Counter
Free Website Counter