Not as good at this as I thought

It's amazing sometimes how well we can bullshit ourselves.

Sometimes you have those amazing flashes of insight.

 I had one tonight, concerning my ex.  (Yeah, I now you all have to be bored to tears listening to me whinge on about it...   Tough, it's my blog I'll whinge if I want)

See I though I was getting over her.

I mean I've been angry about her leaving, felt abandoned, felt mis-used (even when I'll concede that I had no right to feel that way).  I've been depressed, I've tried to make contact with her in non-creepy ways, hoping against hope that she might be interested in trying again.  (I don't really believe in taking a person back, because that kind of implies that nothing is going to change, but I do believe in two people trying again, if both of them think it might turn out better).  And I figured I was getting over her.

I went on a couple of dates (after the horny 'I'll try to screw anything' stage which thankfully did not result in me actually having relations with anyone...  I'm not against that sort of thing generally speaking but in retrospect I can see how truly self destructive it was/would have been.  Sort of my way of trying to punish her by pretending to have a better time in her absence than I was actually having...  Like I said, it's amazing sometimes how well we can bullshit ourselves).

Anyway, tonight I realized just what a piss poor job I've done actually getting over her. 

I was out with a lady, and we started hitting it off.  But things just didn't feel quite right.

I knew I was horny (I've not gotten laid in almost a year), but still, every time we'd start making out I found myself thinking about the woman I wanted to marry.  And by the time things progressed to the point where we would need a room I was starting to really wonder just how over her I was.


Anyway, the long and the short of it was that I wasn't able to properly close the deal.  Every time I found myself thinking of my former lover (who I've spoken of here, often in an unjustly harsh manner).  

I wish I could have been more honest with myself up to this point. 

And for the millionth time I wish things had worked out differently.

But I'm sure she's over me by now, and probably has been for some time.

And thus far (though some may argue otherwise) I've been very lucky in my relationships, in that when they ended, they ended for both parties at the same time.

Guess I've still got some work to do.

Wish I could remember to forget her.

And the worst part is that I'm going to have to find a tactful way to explain to a young lady that I cannot pursue her further at this time because I'm still pining for someone else...

That's going to suck all around.

But better she finds out now than later, when we've had a chance to really hurt each other.

You'd think after all these years I'd be better at this.


Oh well.

I know guys aren't supposed to be this way, but I guess I'm just not very good at it, even if I have bullshitted myself into thinking otherwise.





I have to assume you'll never read this K.  But I still miss you. 

There's not a day that goes bye that I don't remember, regret, and wonder what you're doing now. 

And I hope you've found that happiness that I wasn't able to give you.

Tired and horney

Never a good conversation.

Been almost a year since I last got my horn knocked off, but for the life of me all I really want is sleep.

Bummer

So I had this friend growing up.

Not a terribly close friend, but a friend none the less.

And he was one of the few people from that area who I knew, who managed to get his picture in a major newspaper without killing someone or committing some horrible act.

Now we hadn't seen each other in probably fifteen years, but we still kind of kept in touch with the same people.  He had his career, I had my series of random jobs that I took to keep food on the table (and try to stave off boredom).  But I always was kind of happy that this guy managed to find something he loved, that he was good at, and could make a name at without causing harm to other people.

I know that sounds a little dramatic, but there weren't a whole lot of options for some of the folks I grew up with, and it's always nice to hear that someone made it.  (Especially if that someone wasn't one of the well-to-do).



Anyway, I got word that he was killed yesterday.

All accounts are that he was doing something he loved at the time, and things just went wrong.  (and I truly hope that was the case)

He went out on his terms, at the top of his game, as one of the top people in his chosen field.

It's still a bummer, but we should all be so lucky.




Cheers Sean.

I'm sure someone will spark one for ya in the next few days.

Restraint

I prefer to be left in peace,

to avoid the fight,

to turn the cheek.


Not because I'm a coward,

or incapable.

or weak...



But because I'm good at it.

I always have been.

I think it's the Irish in me.










Happy St. Paddy's

Business

It never rains but it pours.

My daytime job is circling the drain.

I doubt the company will be solvent for another twenty four months.

It won't be the first time I've had a company shot out from under me, so to speak.


At the same time my side jobs are actually doing ok.  Not enough to live on, but almost enough to offset the hit I'll take when I have to go on unemployment, so I figure that's something, at least in the short term.


It's been just over two years since my last close friend died, just under a year since my lover left me, and almost six months since I last put in a job application.  I think I need to dust off and improve at least one of those segments of my life.

Oh well, tempus fuck-it.

Quandry

Has anyone else noticed that the vast majority of folks with personal ads or profiles on online dating sites who say things like 'If you're just looking to get laid, look elsewhere' are people you wouldn't really be all that interested in fucking in the first place?

I mean I'm not even in the position of looking for a random booty call, and I won't respond to folks like that.

I mean, why would I want more dishonesty in my life?  (there are few people on those sites who honestly aren't looking to get laid)

Truth to tell, I'd be much more interested in trying to strike up a conversation with someone who said 'I don't want to ball ugly people unless they're rich'... 

At least they can be honest (even if it's an unpleasant honesty).


Oh well, just another reason why my species never ceases to amaze me.


)

Quiet.

Even the 'anonymous' postings on the internet seem to have finally ceased.

It's been months since anyone has felt the need to rub my nose in my romantic misfortune.

Weeks without any cryptic innuendo or veiled suggestion of impropriety from the shit stirrers in my life.

This of course is a source of concern, a small crisis of identity...

After all, if I'm no longer even a magnet for bullshit, am I still in any way relevant?

All this angst, feels almost Shakespearian...

-Now is the winter of our butthurt solitude
made obnoxious spring by this rightous pain in the arse;
and all the crap that landed o'er our house
in the low saggy titties of the marshland buried
now are our furrowed brows facepalmed in relief
our bruised egos assuaged in gentled oblivion
our general pissyness converted to ass kissy joviality
our angsty whininess subverted for the time being...-

You get the picture...

I'm not sure if this is due to my deciding (after this last snubbing) that I wasn't going to subject myself to this bullshit anymore, or if it's because of the rather short conversation I had with a random mutual acquaintance.  (and the things she had to say about my situation, having experienced part of it from another vantage point). 

Funny how a small town can be like that.

G introduces herself to me at a party and starts telling stories about her former room mate, and I don't put two and two together for more than a week. 

Funny how a small town can be like that.






But that's life, in glory and tragedy resplendent.

But, for the time being at least, I'm done being an accessory.

Especially for someone who wouldn't be bothered to piss on me if I were on fire.


I never held back, if anything I tried to push forward.

I never talked down, if anything I tried to prop up.

I never undermined confidence, I spent years trying to help develop it.

And when the time came to chose between what I wanted, and what you needed, I chose the latter.


I can accept a cold shoulder and cold counsel; but I don't think I need to embrace this role that's been presented for me.


There are other actors who can play the part much better.