Public Service Announcement for the male community ~Common phrases and breakup cliches~ [vol 1]

(I was going to apologize for this, but discovered that I no longer know why I should be expected to)

 

When she says: 

1.  "It's not you, it's me"
Translation:  It's you, oh it's definitely you, you're the only one it is, it's you.

2. "You're a wonderful person"
Translation:
What the hell is wrong with you?  Seriously, what makes you think you should be allowed out in public?  Just waddle your ass back to the short bus and go the fuck home already.

3. "I just need some space, and some time to work this out"
Translation:
I've found/am looking for someone with a prettier face, a better body, a bigger dick and fatter bank account.

4. "We're just very different people"
Translation: 
My friends/family don't think you're good enough for me.

5. "I just want more in my life"
Translation:
 Like a guy with a prettier face, a better body, a bigger dick and a fatter bank account.

6-1. "I want to be friends" (first date)
Translation: 
I can't believe _____________  thought we would be good together.

6-2. "I want to be friends" (second - fourth date)
Translation:
What the fuck was I drinking last night/week/month?

6-3. "I want to be friends/I value our friendship" (pre-relationship female acquaintance)
Translation:
a.) I'm getting all the good stuff I want in a relationship from you now, why should I put out?
b.)  I enjoy it when you talk to me/buy me dinner/take me out/tell me I'm wonderful, but what I really want is a guy with a prettier face, a better body, a bigger dick an a fatter bank account...  But it's ok if he treats me like shit because I know you'll let me cry on you.

6-4. "I want to be friends" (post relationship)
Translation: 
a.) I want to maintain the moral high ground by making a facetious offer of friendship, but don't take this to mean that I actually ever want you to speak to me again.
b.) I still want all the support, love, companionship etc. that you bring to the relationship, but I don't want to have to reciprocate, and I'm looking for a guy with a prettier face, a better body, a bigger dick and a fatter bank account.
c.) I've actually already found somebody with a prettier face, a better body, a bigger dick, and a fatter bank account, but if he doesn't work out I want to maintain you as a possible fallback position.
d.) I may need to hit you up for cash or a favor at some point in the future, so I don't want to burn this bridge completely... (see section 6-4 subsection a.)

6-5. "I hope that you can forgive me, and that someday we can be friends"
Translation:
I've actually been seeing someone else for the last six months, and I may have given you an STD or two, but if I did, I don't want to hear about it... And honestly, can you blame me?  I mean look at him, he's got a prettier face, a better body, a fatter bank account, and damn, that things gotta be eight or nine inches at least!

7. "I've had such a wonderful time with you"
Translation:
I've cried/contemplated suicide after every conversation with you.

8. "You're a true gem"
Translation:
You're such a tool.

9. "I hope you don't take this too hard, and can move on with your life."
Translation:
I've moved on to a guy with a prettier face, a better body, a bigger dick and a fatter bank account, but it'll be icing on the cake if I know that you spend the rest of your life pining away for me... Just do it quietly (see section 6-4 subsection a.)                   

10. "This may be ending, but I still care for you"
Translation:
Wow, that was the longest tequila bender of my life, who the fuck are you again?

Stay tuned for our next exciting installment!

~Non-vocal ques that she's only pretending to enjoy your company because she thinks it'll be less awkward than telling you how she really feels~

Translation: 

Enough self pity for now, I've got work in a couple hours, but I'm sure I'll be back on here whining in the future.

Tired and Angry Prayer # 37

Oh lord,
the cost/benefit analysis of this project has been compiled,
it is woefully over budget,
the original focus of the exercise has been lost,
by all accounts the sample material has been contaminated,
and positive results will obviously not be forthcoming.

The quarterly status update,
and all relevant observational data seem to indicate,
that this project,
the experiment known as humanity,
has failed.

We humbly request,
with great sadness and shame in our hearts,
and in hope of salvaging some of the grant money,
that you sterilize this petri dish of a planet,
file a profit/loss analysis summary,
and submit a new project proposal with the next quarterly projected earnings report.

We ask this,
with all due humility and supplication,
in your name...

amen.




p.s.
Before you do, could you please let me nail Susan in accounting?
thanks lord.

Power outages

I love it when the power goes out, and folks around here act like it's the end of the damn world or something.

It even makes the news "power lines damaged, thousands without electricity", like  a few hours without voltage is dangerous for anyone who isn't on life support.

You see folks walking around fiddling with their cell phones more than usual, sitting in their cars listening to the radio, talking tough in the stores like their weathering a fucking hurricane or something...

Endlessly entertaining.

I don't tell them that when I was a kid the power use to go out for weeks at a time in the winter (and the repair trucks wouldn't go anywhere that had snow deeper than their axles).  I don't talk about using the wood stove as a kid to melt snow for drinking water, or about being scared to death that the fire would go out while I was at school and I would have to re-start it, risking an ass chewing or an ass whupping for filling the house with smoke if I did it wrong, or how cold a person can get growing up in a house that has no insulation, no drywall, no heat, and no windows in one section.  I don't tell them that I could light and trim an oil lamp without burning myself before most kids could tie their shoes properly, or mention the three to five cords of seasoned oak I split by hand every fall from the time I was old enough to lift a splitting maul, because my father was working out of town and my mother was busy raising my sister and/or having a nervous breakdown.

I don't tell them about the winters when the bills didn't get paid and we'd be cold for half a season, or the seasons we spent "camping", or how I got sick of the taste of venison as a kid because there were some years when that was all we had to eat for months on end (and were glad to have anything).

I don't tell them these things because I know there are lots of folks who have it worse, and who have had it worse.  I just never cease to be amazed by how some folks react to something as simple as a power outage.

On a totally unrelated note, you ever notice that even the most boring TV news story can be written in such a way that it sounds like a huge epic world shaking drama when it hits the air?

Interrupted

Sweat glistening down aquiline curves
sweet sour warm musk
hint of cinnamon
hint of vanilla
slashing raking crimson talons
groaning
writhing
intertwined
interlocked
surging motion
swaying
plummeting
throbbing
exploding.

Going cold turkey,
from anything I've found,
tobacco,
drugs,
drink,
sex.

The first six months are always hardest.

Cravings strongest.

Memories sharpest.

Dreams at their most vivid.





I really need to get laid.

Observation

When I was younger I tended to do things intended to leave me feeling numb and dead.
I drank
I smoked
I worked too much
I was withdrawn
I lived a fairly spartan lifestyle.

Getting older I've given up many of those things, and find myself doing more things that make me feel more vibrant and alive.
I exercise more
enjoy the occasional toke when it's offered
I'm much more social
and get laid a lot more often (if not in recent months )

I still work too much, because it's better than not at all, but I don't do it with the same panicked urgency I had in my teens and twenties.

I think the old folks are right when they say that youth is wasted on the young.

And I can't help but wonder if these are my first tentative steps toward becoming one of those skydiving octogenarians, or just my half-assed attempt at a pathetic little mid-life crisis.

Interesting

So I noticed something odd the other day.

Blogger now has a feature on it that tells me how many folks view the blog in a given day, and (more or less) where they're from.

Sometime in the last month the majority of people looking at this blog moved from the U.S. to the Russian Federation...  

Hmmm, kinda makes me wonder if I've got a famous (or infamous) follower.


What I find really kinda disturbing is that, when I'm posting negative fucked up things on here, most of the views seem to be from the U.S.
But when I'm saying that things are improving, most of them are from other parts of the world...

Now it could just be coincidence.  I mean it's quite possible that some tracking software keeps pinging this site fishing for data, or that I'm just being viewed by international advertising bots.

 But wouldn't that be one hell of an interesting study on cultural influences regarding the preferred type of online entertainment?

Oh well, someone smarter (and richer, and with a lot more free time) will have to worry about that.


Interesting for other reasons. 

I don't claim to be particularly worldly, I've traveled some, and been to a few countries for various reasons, but I'm not a jet setter.

But one thing that I have noticed is that, regardless of location, language, or culture, once you strip away the social control structures (government, religion, etc.) and just talk to people as people, almost all of us want the same thing. 

With the exception of some fairly sick fuckers (who unfortunately seem to be running this sad old world of ours), most folks seem to want some food, a nice place to live, a little land to call their own, some entertainment, someone to share it with.  We want to feel useful, we want to be good at what we do, we want a little respect, and a bit of security for their old age. 

Funny that.

We spend our entire lives fighting with one another, swindling one another, creating laws and governments and gods to control one another...
But at the end of the day, the vast majority of us (at least the vast majority of the folks I've met wandering around this little lump of rock and water) seem to want most of the same things.

Oh well, it's late, I'm tired...

I'm thinkin' too much...
A sure sign that I need to get laid.

Good night inter-web, wherever you are.

Good weekend.

A rarity to be sure.

I actually had a really good weekend.

Spent some time with some old friends who I'd kinda lost touch with these last couple years. 
Talked a lot, had some real, honest to god communication.
Did a little cuddling and got some nice (mostly, but not entirely platonic) physical contact.
Ate some good food.
Listened to some good music.

I feel alive in ways I haven't felt in a very long time.

The sun was shining, and I actually had a worry free good time.

Hope all of you out there in internet land are starting your weeks well. 



Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”
― Dr. Seuss ―

Priorities.

Didn't have the time or money to say it to my face,
but had plenty of time and money to spend driving by my place.




Some people's children...

[more] Things I think about when I can't sleep.

 I've never starved,
thankfully.

Never gone more than a week or two without food,
and that was years ago. (I've been more regularly employed in recent years,
thankfully)

Yet even then, I needed to ease my way back into eating.

I been told that the longer you go without food, the longer it takes to get yourself re-accustomed to it once it's available.

The body rejects it.
The body refuses to assimilate it.
In some cases, it can even be fatal.

You don't feed a starving man a 16 ounce porterhouse.
You give him gruel, water, maybe some bread and broth.
Something easy.


I sometimes wonder if the same is true for intimacy (all kinds, not just physical).

If a person who goes for years, many years without it, will automatically reject it, regurgitate it or completely shut down when suddenly confronted with it in abundance.

I know I have.

There have been times when I've gone for five or six years without any sort of meaningful interpersonal relationship.

Hell, I once went fourteen months without being touched by another living mammal (closest I came to having anything make intentional contact with me were bugs, moths, mosquito's, vermin)

 That sort of solitude does things to you.

When someone finally reaches across the counter and grabs your hand, or pats you on the shoulder it can almost shut you down. 

I'm glad I didn't have to deal with that in conjunction with other sensory deprivation, it probably would have overloaded me.

But I sometimes wonder if that's why I tend to always fuck up my relationships.  Why so many have told me that I'm distant or disconnected, like I don't want to be there, or I'm somewhere else.

I am somewhere else I think.

I think that maybe, because I tend to go years between relationships (I've had two in the last decade), and if I'm with someone who's very passionate, or very loving or very connected, I get overloaded, I shut down, I pull back to a safe distance. 

I wonder which of the stories I haven't shared here is the cause of that, or if I'm just a little maladjusted.

But I try not to think about it too much.
I've never really given that thought a voice till tonight.

It's a given, a socially acceptable (and in many situations useful) character flaw.

And honestly, I can't blame them for leaving in the end. 

I would probably do the same.


Anyway, time to stop whining like a little pussy (at least for tonight)...

I've got work in a few hours.

(though I have to say the inter-web is good for this shit, normally I'd have to pay a shrink, a priest or a bartender [or maybe all three] for this sort of captive audience)

Neck deep and sinking

Some say I should force a confrontation.
Some say I should cut all ties, complete erasure, all screens dark.
Some say I should get a pet, join a gym, find a whore, or start doing drugs.
Some say I should fuck my way through this little county.

Some offer hope.
Some offer pain.
Some offer companionship.
Some offer oblivion.

One says nothing at all...



That's the problem.







Maybe that's the solution...

Something about the hours before sunrise

Air is clean, still, quiet.

Crickets, frogs, barn owls.

Condensation on night furled flowers.

Steady tick of contracting metal.

Low growl of shifting breathing buildings.

Blowing sand on concrete.

Fifty thousand sleeping souls.

A handful of restless ones.

Damned disconcerting

Guess it's time.

Time to dust off the ole profile and plonk myself down (ready or not) into the wide and wonderful (see morbidly fascinating and creepifying) world of internet dating.

Thing is, I've never been able to take internet dating seriously.  I mean it's near impossible for me to fill out those goofy little questionnaires with anything resembling a serious attitude...  

But I'm not much of one for bars, I work god awful weird hours, and I can't bring myself to haunt the craigslist hookup pages and play the man-whore (though a part of me wishes I was comfortable in that world).

The fact is, over the years I've had enough tweekers, dopers, scam artists and prostitutes in my life. 
I really don't need help finding anymore...
If anything, I need help keeping them away.

So I guess that leaves the internet dating sites.

I'll line up with all the other damaged, deranged, unlovable, and unusable human detritus, and hope that someone from the other side (likely also as damaged, deranged, etc.) is willing to take a shot.

Ain't technology grand?





Hell, it probably won't be that bad.
I have faith in the beauty, decency, and compassion of my species.
Maybe if one of 'em sells my kidneys on ebay they'll take pity on me and offer up a cut of the profit.

Mourning wood

Ever notice how funerals make you horny?

I mean seriously, I'm not talking about some sick necrophilia thing, or some sad pathetic emo type 'I can only feel joy in the presence of death' bullshit.

I find at least as much short term companionship at funerals and wakes as I do at weddings.  Something about planting a stiff seems to put the horn into folks. 

I think it might be a combination of pent up emotion, confrontation with mortality, and a deep need to prove that we're still alive.

And, truth too tell, I don't think it's offensive.

When I eventually croak it, I want folks fucking each others brains out all over the place.  Shit, get a four-way going on the lid of my coffin, see if you can wake me up. 

Make noise, get too drunk, get too stoned, fuck random people you barely know, or people you know really really well... Play music, play twister, have a key party...  Anything fun and lively, but send me out in style when it's my turn.

I promise I'll try to do the same for you.

Till then, we'll all try to find comfort where we can, revel in the little ways we can remind ourselves that we're still alive, and wait till we get proof that we're not.






We're an amazing species at times.  7,000,000,000 of us on this fucking rock, and yet we still manage to make loneliness a mainstay of existence. 

We cling to solitude,
barnacle the hull of this battered ship,
earth ship,
time ship,
ploughing generations,
wave after wave,
to what destination we cannot say.

Gifted with just enough to feel joy,
or at any rate to know fear,
that future travelers may bulwark themselves,
housed precariously on our backs.

Battered along toward their own destinations,
to flourish,
to fail,
befriend pain,
court glory,
or perish in the attempt.